The passage of time

Age, and through it, a kaleidoscope of experiences change so much in us. We evolve, as we go through hurts and losses, as we make mistakes, as we take risks, as we go after, or let go, as we blow like the leaf in the wind, or make conscious course decisions sometimes against the wind, as we observe people & the happenings around us, as we realize that things aren’t always what they seem to be, as we realize what we need to draw from our own selves as we “live” through life. We are constantly making judgments about life, and what we go through, I think, even if we are not aware of it. We are constantly realizing and learning. We are trying to constantly put 2 and 2 together, and solve all the puzzles in our mind. Living, is always on the edge of life. Real living is. It is frought with dangers. And it needs a skillful person to course their way through all the obstructions and illusions of safety. Till the very end, life is like a test. Till the last moment. Every moment is a test. And we always have a choice, but real, conscious living, should be nothing short of, living with knowledge, sensibilities, and a lot of bravery. As we grow older, a dawning realization sets in – as some of the letters in the book of the mystery of life, reveal themselves faintly. Little by little. I really wouldn’t trade the wisdom of age for the fountain of youth, for anything. I like having seen a bit of life. It makes me feel a bit more safer, more sure of who I am, and what I want to be. I will always be a work in progress though. The work will never be complete. We realize these changes, not in an every-day sense, but only in retrospect. As I grow older, I am not only way more aware of time passing, but I am also more discerning with things in general. I am more conscious of the value I give to myself, and to the world around me. I feel a little more significant in my own eyes. I feel like a person. A complete entity unto herself. I am very harsh on myself when I feel I have let my own self down, let alone, let anyone else down. I feel it is my responsibility to always be right in my thoughts and actions, and be good in my heart – and nothing else comes close. It is tough, when we make mistakes, when we lose our strength, when we start to become unreasonable or miserable, when we give up. But, as they say, it is not that you fall down, but whether you get yourself up, that matters more. As I grow older, I also realize that not every thought of mine might be “right” or generally believed to be “true”. As in, my beliefs and perceptions about things could largely be shaped by my own unique experiences and my interpretation of them. I realize. I guess, part of maturity is realizing that we could also be wrong. My path is my own unique path in life. But, it is difficult sometimes to give up beliefs that have been firmed with time. As I grow older, I see a difference in the way my eyes seem and the message they might convey to the world too. They have more of a gentle, knowing, wiser glow…..like the feeling of dusk, when the sun is setting, than a brighter, wondrous, curious, innocent, flighty look of a younger person. It is just interesting to note. I have also noticed another difference in me. My smile. It used to be that I had a very ready, flasher of a smile, and if there was one thing that would be tough for me, it would be to keep a straight face. And now, I find it so much more easier and comfortable to keep a straight face than to smile. Ofcourse, there could be a myriad of factors behind this observation, but I do think growing has a role to play. Infact, another interesting change I have noticed is that I am no longer even curious about what age I am exactly. I know this makes me sound like I am 104 years old, but I truly do not know exactly how old I currently am =). It is perhaps a ‘I could care less about that’ attitude which, perhaps lead to that loss of memory. Ofcourse, let me not delude myself – it is not pleasant knowing that one is growing older and older and older….so this is a way my reasoning mind has dealt with this lack of care. Now, it is just about living a day at a time. It isn’t about keeping track of numbers. It is about looking on, and trying to participate, in a life marked with various types of journeys and milestones. I am old ‘enough’ (or so I might think – becoz if you ask people who are close to me, they might disagree =), and that should suffice I guess.